rockin' my world.

am i dreaming ? or in reality ? ~ i have been feeling rather down lately .. i don't really know why .. perhaps bcos of my buddies .. or my poly friends .. oh well .. ~i feel like my friendship with my buddies are drifting apart .. derrick , edwin , everyone else .. i'm starting to feel a bit unhappy bout edwin and his girlfriend , i mean ,is it bcos u have a girlfriend u can forget about ur friends ? ur life now becomes only u and ur girlfriend ? i don't know whether it's me being too sensitive or what , but i'm pretty disappointed with him . he don't even ask us out anymore , and it's always us asking him out . i have to be frank here , u know , when i have a girlfriend , i always make sure i balance my time with my friends/buddies and my girlfriend , i will never ever let go of both worlds . it is my friends /buddies who made me to who i am today , they brought me joy and everything else , so i don't think i should let go of them and spend all my time on my gf , likewise for my gf . i don't believe she should spend all her time on me too ..U see , if she keeps going out with me and neglects her friends , the friendship drifts apart and slowly , she lost it all . And when the time comes that we cannot be together , break up , then she will be in her one man world . Who is she gonna look for consolation ? someone to talk to ? NO ONE . then she will realise she is a pathetic soul on earth . So i say friends are impt . ~ i don't know why my life is like this , but i always feel i lose my friends , my bestest friends , my good friends .. primary school , i had such a case .. i wouldn't wanna elaborate .. but it wasn't a happy feeling .. There was once , our teacher asks us to write down our best friend onto a piece of paper .. i wanted to write my dearest pal but .. he had a partner liao .. then i wrote someone else .. and when my teacher ask who my best friend was .. i couldn't say anything .. i was the only guy with no best friend .. in fact , i had one but apparently , i am not his best friend .. ~ Then came secondary sch , time to start afresh , found many good pals .. but again .. i couldn't find a best friend , someone who i can really relate with .. apparently my that best friend was in another class so we didn't have much interaction .. ~ i don't wanna say anymore , i don't wanna talk bout the past , i don't wanna talk bout the present . i've lost good friends one by one , either i lost them thanks to myself , or it's god's will . i don't understand . all these made me come to a conclusion .. i'm taken for granted . i am just a name in people's lives . i may not actually make a difference in people's lives .. and when i'm gone , i will just become a memory .. ~ but fortunately , i have very loving parents .. and i love them . i won't wanna migrate , i won't wanna get out of Singapore . and it's for their sake and i myself , cause Singapore is my home and i won't get outta here .~ guess i never really had a best friend in my life . May Anne was never my best friend , it was just in my mind , not in my life . We just claim each other to be best friends ..but no . we ain't . We took each other for granted . every year , i gave her nothing for her birthday , saying that i am busy or whatever shit .. what a friend i am . bout her , i think i have said enuf .. and i think i should end it too . oh well .. ~ i never really had someone to confide in .. to share my joy with , to have a shoulder to lean upon . People always say , that they will always be there , always lend a listening ear . Always say they remember my birthday , but they never . Even if they say they will always be there , they are people who do not really care about me too , they never asked how i was . So u expect me to confide in such people ? NEVER . ~ Well , i personally feel that i'm unique in some way . i don't really know in what way but i don't think i will be a ordinary man doing ordinary stuff when i grow up . i can't decipher the cause of my fate but i believe will understand thru time . To grow up with such a mindset , with such a character , with such drama at my teens. ~ u know , last year , when it was gonna be the o's , i really thought i've found my real buddy group , with derrick , andy they all .. but they turned out .. to be the same . and i was wondering , whether i really found my buddy grp , and in the end , it didn't last for long . ~ Polytechnic . i'm not having it well either , i'm in a class with all faces of people . Attitude , humourous , restless , smart , whatever . i don't care . i wanna go to the army soon . Air Force . ~ i guess , when we were kids , we always wished to be adults soon ,so we can have our own way of life , our freedom , fun , play games that only the adults can play , the bombastic games .. but when actually we are adults , we wanna go back to kids . we wanna study and play , we don't wanna be stressed by work . Guess that's human nature . And we can't go back time . ~ well , the more i see cars , the more i can't wait to own one . Subaru STI , Nissan 350Z , Honda Civic EG6 , Mazda Miata Mx-5. Nissan Skyline BNR34 . Mazda Rx-8 . And of course , final destination , Mazda Rx-7 . ~ but i guess , when the day really comes that i own a rx-7 , i think i will wanna change my car pretty soon , change it to a skyline , then to a ferrari , lamborghini . i guess i'm always aiming for better , never content . Need for Speed.~ Am i born to be different ? ~ hmm , sometimes , i really wish to die . Not bcos i don't wanna live anymore ,but i just wanna see , how people will take my death . Will they be sad ? will they be depressed ? will they cry ? will they regret ? will they bullshit ? will they talk about me in past tense ? ~ anyway , i hate this world , i don't understand why God created humans in such a way , but i think it's really stupid . ~ Actually , i always thought i'm alone in this world . But at least i have my parents , and i'm happy enuf . ~ Destiny , fate . no one can decipher what their fate and destiny is . ~ i have got to go , i'm not really good at what i really wanna express , but i'm not a happy man . Happy never really existed in my life ..

posted by Ben @ 8/06/2004 11:35:00 AM