rockin' my world.

Thoughts running through my head .

What a day . I totally don't feel good bout today . Thought kept running through my head ... bout my life ... bout my purpose ... bout who i am ...

I thought about my whole life ... how i'm treated by everyone .. how i'm treated by people ... Well , i feel like a total loser . As i try to become a perfect man both in life and love . I become a better loser .

I've been played again and again . I've seen situations when girls yearned for a good man . But .. Heaven just didn't planned it to be me . I see such situations so ironic .

I thought bout my NCC life .. that the kids didn't cherished me . That NCC serves no more purpose in my life anymore .In NCC .. i felt like a dog in a cage with almost no breathing space .. i yearn for Freedom and peace .

I went back to PHS today at 5 plus ... and while i was waiting for Mr Lai outside the staff room .. i had some time with myself . I enjoyed the peace of the school . And i asked myself .. how come i didn't get to feel this all these months ... i didn't have a peaceful moment all this months .

My bro called me today ... to ask me to hop over to my cousin's house to get the Pearl Harbor DVD for him .... am i his dog ? His puppy Dog ? Am i borned to serve u ever since i'm borned ? am i supposed to do what u ask me to do ? i'm just a follower all my life ... am i ?

I was always within control of girls everytime ... i didn't had any say .. anything they do wrong , i'll be the one to say sorry .... is things supposed to be this way ? I don't think so ... I know , Ladies first .. but sometimes , can't girls take initiative ?

My friends ... i'm always their puppy dog also . I'm the one who always call everyone out for bball ... and to tolerate their nonsense . To persuade them to come ... while one doesn't come .. the other doesn't come .. and all won't come . Is it this way ? They seldom ask me out .... right ?

Are my lian hua dang friends ... Fake buddies ? All these years i didn't realised ? Where did our Yi QI go to ... u guys didn't cherish me . U guys never did .

In everything , i'm always looked down in . Basketball especially .. i don't know why Heaven ... plan for my every match .. to play so badly .. when i know , i'm not a simple player . I know my talents , i know what i can do . But i just cannot perform in a match .

In Gaming ... i would always lose to my bro , my friends . Looked down upon .. Initial D , CS ... ET . What's wrong ? Why i always lose my standard ? it's all my bro's fault ..

In looks , i wouldn't wanna say .. i don't understand why girls or some girls .. go so Gaga over a handsome guy . or guys wouldn't go take a look at average looking girls . Are looks everything in human life ? If we're not pretty or handsome , then we are not worthy to live on this earth ?

I feel like a dog everyday ... I can't pursue my dreams . Aeronautical is gone . No more air force . My mum says she is not gonna send me overseas . if i rely on myself ... by the time i graduate ... i'll be thirty . To start my career from scratch at 30 . What is this ?

At a age of 27 , i'll then be able to learn racing . By the age of 18 in Japan .. people are already Profession drivers .. So what am i ?

I envy family with cars .. whatever car it is , from a nissan march to WRXs . Everytime i get to sit in a car ... i will wanna enjoy every second of it . The feel of speed .

am i thinking too much ? Yes .. i'm definitely thinking too much . I guess .. i wanna change . I don't wanna be a follower anymore . I have my own stand ... i will not give in everytime . i'm no longer a puppet under girls anymore . I once said , i will die for the girl i love no matter what situation it is . Now , no more . Only if that girl is worthy of my death.

yes yes .. i'm getting a little nuts today . i'm not sure why either ... i feel like .. i've wasted my day . This day wasn't for me .

i wish .. that everything in this earth can talk . Dogs can talk . Trees can talk . At least when i'm sad ... or lonely .. i can find a companion to chat . i hate this life . i don't even know what i live for anymore .

I've claimed that i have dreams .. ambitions . Passions .... but all of a sudden , i start thinking they are all bullshit by me .. my friends were right .... whatever i say is bullshit .. Getting A1s for my test are all bullshit by me . God never walked the same path with me .

I no longer know who are true friends anymore . i no longer know who i shld love anymore . i don't know .. i'm all alone .

posted by Ben @ 10/22/2004 08:14:00 PM