Searchin for my guardian Angel .
just watched another episode of "searchin for my polestar " ... i guess i must buy the Vcd series ... it's a great show .. haha .. i'm such a guy .. i can keep watching shows and don't get sick of it .. like "anger management "Haha .. guess i really admire the Japanese .. I don't know why .. plus ,i'm a chinese ..
I admire them for their capability , their abilities , their talents , their technology , their hardworking attitude ... and their landscape . The beautiful coasts they have , the beautiful culture they have . The homes they live in . That every city has a racing track . Their car racers .
Well .. u know , i'm really impressed by Sony . Not only they produced incredible products ... ( but very eX also ) , they produced great commercials . The recent one bout Sony Cyber shot ? i really love it man ... i feel good everytime i see it ... haha .. don't know why ..
Well guys , today's gonna be a very long entry .. so bear with me ..
I told my mum what i intended to achieve today ... 2 degrees .. One Logistics and One automotive . Although only one is needed for a car company .. but i guess the other can be put into use somehow . i always get things figured out somehow .
After our dinner at Jalan Kayu ( on our way to grandma hse ) , a Mazda 6 was parked in the parking lot . And i told mum .. that is the car i want .
Then she said ... " Mazda ? Why u like that ? is that car good ? "
Haha .. i'm so obsessed with Mazda .. Both my cars in Need for speed are Mazdas .. although they might not be the best .. but i still love them .
Next on .. Wan xin messaged me today on my mobile .. and ask again .. and same thing .. i said no .
You see .. there are quite a few reasons behind my answer . And most importantly , i don't like her . i can't go steady with someone i don't like . It's against myself .
I dont wanna lie to myself once more . It's heartbreaking . I wanna be myself again .
Next .. she claims she likes me ... Well , it could be true . But there are quite a few guys after our relationship .. Rizal , Anthony . So what does this means ?
U know .. a lot of girls out there , they can't forget their ex bfs or the ones they love for months .. for years . even time as long as 3 years , can't do anything to remove their love .
And seriously , wanna meet such girls . But i don't have the luck ..
oh well , back to the subject , we're not compatible .( did i spell that correct ?) haha ... well , don't ask me why i know , i know . We don't click ... and if i know something that is not gonna work out , i won't start it . I don't want anyone of us to get hurt . Hope you understand , and someone better may come in for ya .
I missed Basketball . I once call it .. the one half of my world ( sounds familar ?) but i lost it . No i didn't lose it , i gave up on it . I didn't know why .. but i guess , it's bcos my relationship with my friends broke down . That's why we didn't meet for bball , and bcos of that .. i didn't touch bball .
My years of effort went down the drain . Well .. i miss that feeling of flight . And i did promise myself 3 years ago .. i'm gonna dunk it one day .
So the only thing i can do .. is to get myself together .. and start asking my friends out for bball .. hope it can all work out .
U know .. as years go by .. i'm starting to know myself better . Here goes .. Ben is outgoing but sometimes gets quiet .. Loves to talk .. but sometimes loves to listen .. Observant .. and a little too sensitive . Thinks too much .. but ends up consoling himself . Take things for granted .. but tries his best not to . Bad tempered .. but sometimes can get gentle too . Loves to express himself .. but can't find anyone to do so . Always daydreaming .. forms lots of dreams , ambitions , but seldom word hard towards them . Realised he made too many regrets .. but doesn't learn from them . Can't admit defeat .. cause he can only accept victories . Once defeated , he will give all he have to achieve . But sometimes , can lose track . Loves his parents .. but somehow don't show it . Acts tough on the outside .. but actually , he's very fragile . Loves to sing .. but only sings to himself . Always think he's alone .. but actually , he's not . He expects everyone to be there for him .. but he's asking for too much . But he's always there for everyone ... When someone needs him , he always put away everything for the person .. no matter it's an urgent issue or whether he really needs sleep .
Very loyal to his friends .. but somehow or rather ,he feels his friends aren't . Claims he's willing to die for the one he loves ... but will he ? Always claim he's the perfect man .. But actually , he isn't . Was pessimistic in the past .. but he still is . He lies to himself to look on the bright side of life ..
If he find someone doing something not according to one's morals or his principles .. he'll despise them . He's not determined guy , when someone needs his help .. he reaches out his hand and help .. but once that soneone slapped his hand , he gives up and allow that person to die .
He can get pretty nasty at his words sometime ... but always think about what he have said everytime and can't help guilty bout it . And sometimes , he really really wants to say sorry to the person .
He wakes up .. hoping everyday to be a bright day for him . And when it doesn't turn out to be a good day , he blames heaven for doing this to him . He does a lot of soul searching when he does someone wrong or let someone down ..
He never lies , cause he hates to lie , and perhaps also he can't lie good or find a good excuse [ =) ] ( but i really hate to lie also hoh ..)
he hates people who boasts or brag bout themselves , he hates people who are proud , ( but actually , sometimes he also very hao lian one .. )
Expects a lot from his girlfriend .. commitment and all that .. so that's why he always fail in relationship . ( that was the past , i've changed ! )
haha .. that's bout it ! can't think of anymore .. it's not that i wanna advertise bout myself .. but i guess my blog is the only place where i can express myself .. can confide myself . this are bout me .. and of course ..i'm still trying my best to change ..
Sometimes .. i really wanna cry . And when i feel like crying .. i always hope for someone to be with me . But many times .. i'm alone .
The only time when i realised .. i wasn't strong at all .. was the time i lost Dad . i was acting tough in front of all my friends .. mum and bro .. but actually .. i was very sad inside . I cried in my bed room .. when i'm alone .. And i still rememberd the time , when i saw Dad , i immediately burst into tears . Dad too .. And i knew he really loved me . what a fool i was , i regretted for treating them this way in my secondary sch days .
Just like the Song "Lan Tian " .. U could just meet a storm .. break down .. and there could never be a fine day forever . But actually .. in the end , it could just be a beautiful day . So don't be afraid .. I really wanna thank Kristie for sending me this song .. haha , u don't know how much impact this song has on me .
Well then .. I'm still on the search for my guardian Angel ... i know , it might not be soon .. and sometimes .. i might just give up on love .. but i'll tell myself .. not to give up . Cause i won't be satisfied to walk so far .. and achieve nothing .
I'm fortunate to be who i am , to have what i have . Thank God for this .
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